HAPPY FATHER’S DAY – FATHERS AND NOT SPERM DONORS

There are fathers and there are fathers! This piece is dedicated to all men who are not just a sperm donor to the emergence of a life but are embodiment of attributes towards creating a total man. Just as being a male is different from being a man, these special beings called fathers are composites of various attributes such that even when they are afraid or broken, their inherent attributes conceal the tears from others. No one sees the fears of a father yet the fear is real and unambiguous. If your father ever told you that your school fee is not available and yet gave you the money after some hours or days, celebrate him. You may not know the pains, agony and insults towards getting the money even when it is a loan.
A real father is a lover-boy and not a terror to his wife. His calm disposition creates a feeling and an environment of love and tranquility for the family. The children catch the love- virus from the home rather than being shown pseudo-love from the outside world. The real fathers don’t wear the toga of a dictator, they do not harass their wife and children but shower them with love and affection. It is an aberration for a man to claim that he loves the children and yet decorate the wife, their mother , with dishonor.

Our contemporary age has placed so much responsibility on the fathers. The realities of the current economic situation has made it essential for both parents to go out everyday to seek provision for the family. A father is now engaged in what is commonly referred to as “school runs”. Beyond his normal official engagements, his responsibility to his family starting from dropping the children in the school in the morning is fixed. It takes a real father to be psychologically alert and affectionate during such activities. Celebrate all fathers who do “school runs”. If your father has ever driven you to school, celebrate him.

The economic realities has further increased the burdens of the father in providing for the needs of the family. The thoughtful fathers see the commitment to the upbringing of their children as a topmost priority. They shrink under various financial pressures to ensure that the child gets the best within the available resources. The real fathers do not engage in frivolous spending but rather appropriate the scarce resources to the utmost benefit of the family. A father would buy clothes for his children to celebrate while wearing his old cloth of yesteryears with thanks to the laundry man up street. He is happy to see his children happy and their happiness is his happiness. If you have ever worn new clothes during a festival and your father was in his old cloth, celebrate him.
The love of a real father is extraordinary! He is affectionate, lovely and protective yet misconstrued by the children. While an absenteeism father goes on with the affairs of the family casually, a real father is involved in every stage of development of the family which may appear as an intrusion of the space of the children. He may even suffer from unintentional blackmail from activities of his dear wife. “You will explain why you did that to your dad plants a different impression in the heart of the children”. Extension of the unintended blackmail is that in most cases, the mothers get to know the partners of their children ahead of the father. He knows that despite being the driver of his family, the wheel is with his wife yet he is unperturbed. If your partner was interacting with your mother well ahead of your father, celebrate the father today. Fathers exhibit an in-built mechanism of seeing and pretending that they didn’t see.

Despite the various prevailing challenges, a real father finds time to interact with the children. He knows his children! He understands their body language! He creates time for them even when there is no time. He consciously and unconsciously mentor the children and provide a veritable template for their development. He is never abusive yet his love is pronounced!
A real father also respects the feelings of his children. He respects their space and opinion while shaping their thoughts to align with his thoughts. He is never a gate-crasher to the value system of his children but serves as the necessary catalyst to their living out the life he expects of them. I remember many years ago, I had returned from school and had to follow my Dad to a function of his professional association. While he was on the High Table, the guys in charge of logistics wanted to spoil me since they knew that my Dad would not take anything there not even food. They came with this chilled big brown bottle after food and I savored it. I never knew that my Dad saw me from where he was. We went back home and no comment on it for days until when he called me to discuss it. In his words “If they had told me that you will drink Coca- cola without my approval, I would say NO. The message sank into me deeply! Real fathers are daily consumed in modeling the lives of their children.

A real father beyond loving and providing logistics for the family prays and sets the tone for the family. He understands that times are changing and will not adopt primitive approaches in our contemporary age as this will only lead to confusion, crisis and chaos.
The tolerance threshold of a real father is high. He follows the cycle from the beginning to the end. His love and passion for the family remains unwavery and unshaky such that the children erroneously feel that he can always fix himself when in actual sense he is crumbling. He donates all his energy and strength to the children and eventually even donates his wife. What a cycle! He is a regular recipient of Daddy can cope when in actual sense he is not coping. He is only being sacrificial!

As we celebrate Fathers Day, lets remember that the fathers have their pains and frustrations. They are just as actors and subsume their pains to drive the visions of the family. Help the fathers to live longer by celebrating them and by reducing and if possible eliminating the assumptions. Fathers need to be fixed too!

May God Almighty keep all our fathers for us and use this year’s Fathers Day to change the hearts of the sperm donors such that they can be real fathers.
Today, encourage someone to be a lovely husband and a real father.
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Dr. Kayode Ogunjobi

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